This is not a happy post.
I know that's a truly terrible way to start a blog post and many of you will click off now and that's completely okay. I don't want anyone to feel like they have been tricked into reading what is normally babble on an ordinary life and is now suddenly rather morbid.
Some of you might have known my mother, you might have had that privilege - I know that I was certainly privileged to be her (younger) daughter.
From the past tense you may have gathered that my mother is no longer with us. Unfortunately for all of us that loved her, she passed away on the 6th of November at quarter to 5 in the evening. She had cancer.
I know I want to write about it but I just don't know how to and feel that nothing will do her justice and so if this post becomes completely incomprehensible, I apologise.
I hope that no one has to see their mother (or father for that matter) deteriorate and die in front of their eyes. It is heartbreaking. I can't explain how it feels to lose someone who you love most in the world and watching the people that love her come to terms with the fact that we will have to begin getting up in the morning without her. Sitting with your mother while she dies, telling her you love her for the last time, leaving the room so that she can be taken away from you (in body though, not in spirit) is all very surreal. In all honesty, it's still surreal now. I half expect her to walk down the stairs and tell us to stop sitting on the sofa and to help her around the house or when I start crying I want to ring her and tell her how I feel. Although I know that one day her phone number will no longer be in use and I'll have to delete her number off my mobile - but that won't be for a while.
I'll miss her of course. I often think about what it would be like to lose her at a different age. At a younger age I suppose a mother is still often the person who lays down the rules, you love them just as much but you can't haven't established a mature relationship with them. My father and Auntie find it difficult because they knew Mum for so long, they simply can't imagine life without her. The memories flood them completely. I'm very lucky that my mother and I were so close. In the last three years we hardly argued, I told her absolutely everything. She was one of best and closest friends and I know that some people don't have that with their parents, something that I can't completely comprehend. Now that she's gone I appreciate that she made my sister and I become close friends and have a strong bond and that she never allowed my father and I to go to bed on an argument and made sure that I knew that I can talk to him (and my sister) about anything and everything. All in all, I'm bloody lucky my family is so close.
But having now established that mature bond makes her passing even harder. I'm angry. I'm angry she left us and I'm so fucking angry that I didn't get to spend more time with her and get to know her even better, I'm grateful of all the time we spent together but now think of everything I wanted to do and now unfortunately can't. She won't be at my graduation or be a grandmother, I won't be able to pay for my father and her to go to Venice (although I'll still try and pay off his mortgage,) I won't be able to give her surprise visits from university. I'm angry, and devastated, that I'm only 18 and now have to live without a mother.
So yes, I'll miss her. Holy fuck I think we all will. I'll miss her waking me up in the morning by opening the curtains with a cup of tea in hand and then sorting out the dirty washing (probably complaining I haven't put it in the bag.) I'll miss family cuddles on a Sunday morning. I'll miss her cuddles full stop. I'll miss her crying at everything little thing. I'll miss her mannerisms. I'll miss her badgering my father to take his vitamins. I'll miss her asking me to take the crystals outside and helping me with flute scales. I'll miss her getting along with my friends and being incredibly blunt and embarrassing. I'll miss her being proud of me at everything I do. I'll miss her mutley laugh or whenever I was annoyed at her she would make fun of me which made me even more angry but at least made me smile. I'll think of her when I see a 17 year old girl holding her mother's hand, just because she knows she likes it. I'll miss her when I smell Dolce Vita by Christian Dior. I'll miss her on Christmas day when there are no arguments about the lack of charge in the video camera. I'll probably miss her every single day. But I'll smile and know that she loved me, she loved all of us very dearly and that nothing we can do can ever stop her really being with us.
But this has taught me that life is far too fucking short and to be grateful for every little thing we have. Don't hold grudges, there's no point. Fall in love as much as possible and tell the person you love that you love them every single day because you don't know when that person might not be there anymore. For god's sake - and I can't express this enough - tell your parents that you love and appreciate them. Just tell them. Do it now. Right now.
I know my dad and sister will be reading this and so I just want to say that I love you both an inexpressible amount and that we were so lucky to have known mummy and that every day I feel grateful to have you in my life.
I am sorry if anyone cried reading this, I know I cried when typing it.
Mum, if you're sitting on my shoulder and reading this while I'm typing it (which I hope you are), I love you, I will always love you,
#mum # mummy #mother #death #appreciative #love #always #blog #blogging #blogger #thankyouforreading
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